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Pausing to Remember

2011-10-22T00:32:48Z

Pausing to Remember... by Bill Hoy

In the shower. Driving the freeway. Working out in the gym. Eating breakfast. Enjoying a cup of “joe” on the patio and watching Good Morning America. No one forgets where they were on the morning of September 11, 2001. And wherever we were, we can’t forget the feelings of that day, either. Shock. Fear. Anger. Sadness. Eventually, those emotions gave way to positive actions--resolve, compassion and determination.

Even if the newspaper didn’t remind us that this anniversary has come around, we would still remember. You just can’t forget the night your spouse died or the afternoon your child was diagnosed with cancer or the morning hijacked airplanes flew into the great symbols of our national pride. The trauma evoked by an anniversary is never really gone from our memories.

But anniversaries are good for something else, too. We remember the great times, the qualities that made life better and the values our loved ones lived. Anniversaries are a time for sadness and celebration, reminding us that we always need both. Anniversaries esound in our hearts the uncomfortable truth that we don’t just celebrate life but we also mark death, we don’t just rejoice in the happy times but we weep in the sad ones, too.

The television talking heads wondered aloud that bright clear September morning if this event would change us, if it would change the world. We all wondered if the newfound religious fervor and the spirit of patriotism would prevail. I’ll leave all of that to future historians to evaluate.

But as we remember 9/11, as we call to mind the thousands who died in New York and Washington and Shanksville, we can be overwhelmed with gratitude that we have the ability to remember. And perhaps in the end, the remembering is the greatest gift anniversaries open in our lives.

Real Flowers

2011-07-08T00:45:55Z

A couple of days ago, I was in a store walking directly to get the one thing I was there to get when something distracted me – an abundant display of artificial flowers. The big patches of color made me pause for a few seconds and even smile. It’s human nature for us to be stopped in our tracks by a thing of beauty. Sometimes it’s a flower, but often it’s a sunset that grabs our attention, or a child’s laughter, a work of art, or even a gorgeous car. Someone has said that when we look at something beautiful, the reason it makes us feel good is because it touches our soul and is a reflection of the beauty of heaven.

As I looked at the pretty silk flowers, my mind wandered a bit. I do have a few artificial flowers around my home, but I would much rather have real ones. A lot of grocery stores now sell fresh flowers or plants and I make it a point to stop and look at them for a moment. I may be in a hurry, but I at least walk through that area to enjoy even a glimpse of them – you know, to take time to “smell the roses.” Frequently, one bunch in particular will touch me and I bring it home to enjoy.

Why do I want them more than the fake ones and why do they (usually) cost more? After a few minutes of thought, I came to this conclusion. We value real flowers for a couple of reasons – yes, they’re pretty in a way that artificial ones aren’t and some even fill our homes with a pleasant fragrance, but here’s the key. They aren’t always available and they won’t last. I think our knowledge of that fact is what makes them more valuable. We know they’re only going to grace our space for a short time. Besides, it takes time for a flower to bloom and then when it does, it doesn’t stay around very long.

This thought led me to other examples of this in our lives. What about those times when you take a bite of something and it tastes so good that you eat the last few bites slowly and even cut a normal sized piece in half so you can enjoy yet one more bite. How about the times when a child is at a carnival or park – “can’t I have just one more ride or push on the swing?” And we’ve all experienced times that we didn’t want to end – having dinner and lingering at the table, having another cup of coffee so the time wouldn’t end so quickly.

I truly believe that we value things because we know they aren’t going to last. That fact makes them more special and more memorable. They come with only a short span of time for us to enjoy them. Then the epiphany came.

Isn’t that why people are so precious to us?

Some of what happens in Vegas doesn't stay in Vegas

2011-03-18T02:11:00Z

A dear friend sent me an email while I was in Las Vegas - “Enjoy the sparkly lights.” I love sparkly lights; I wonder how many there are in Vegas. Probably more than Oprah has pennies. I certainly was in a whole land of sparkly lights. Green lights, pink lights, yellow lights, orange lights, even turquoise lights and purple lights! Moving lights, blinking lights, lights formed to look like people, lights that even look like waterfalls.

This is a place of good times - a place to meet friends, listen to music, watch shows and be entertained. Not only is it clearly a place centered around having fun, but it's a place filled with opportunities to get a higher return on a few dollars than any bank in the world will give you.

It’s a land of abundance – limousines, designer stores, expensive cars and people laying down more money at craps tables, roulette wheels, and blackjack and poker tables than some people make in a year!

Opting for the simple pleasures, I was drawn to the sparkly lights and interesting architectures and went for a walk. There was busy traffic, thousands of people, many of whom were taking pictures and I was one of them. Having spent some time in New York City, I was drawn to the New York, New York Hotel with its many buildings that replicate the NY skyline. The Statue of Liberty was there too, looking majestic and grand. She’s so big that she’s actually half the size of the real one! There’s even a moat around her and an iron railing on the edge of the sidewalk. Lining the railing is a series of objects framed in glass in a concrete boundary. In the land of lights that offers fun, fun, fun, I now found myself with tears in my eyes. These objects were shirts from fire companies in New York with autographs of firefighters, some including a written sentiment to remember one of their own who died on 9/11. It was a solemn and touching moment. Spaced above these shirts, were several bronze plaques about freedom, liberty and defense against those who attack it. A few were these:

“All that’s necessary for the forces of evil to win in the world is for enough good men to do nothing.”

Edmund Burke

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands in times of challenge and controversy." Martin Luther King Jr.

Even though Las Vegas is thousands of miles from New York City, this hotel and property is its reflection on the other side of the country. Again I was deeply moved as I read that on 9/11 and the days thereafter, thousands of people gathered here in Vegas to lay flowers, pray and hold vigils. That was a powerful moment for me – a vivid picture that was so easy to imagine and so easy to feel, even as I stood there. What a contrast this must have been in September 2001 to have people gathered in this hedonistic city to be standing in this very spot crying, grieving and praying. Even as I stood there almost ten years later with tears in my eyes, the contrast of this solemn moment with the glitz of the rest of this city, was palpable.

This was not my first time to Sin City but how could I have missed it when I was here four years ago? Hmm, I guess the advertisements for this fun-filled city, don’t mention, “Be sure to visit the 9/11 tribute at the New York, New York Hotel!” I sure hope they do something to commemorate the tenth anniversary this year of those who died for the sole reason that they were part of this great country.

I continued on down the "strip" with a typical tourist walk and was pleasantly overwhelmed with this city of world-class entertainment, award-winning restaurants, and ubiquitous opulent furnishings. And although I found myself smiling at all these sparkly lights, those tear-filled emotional patriotic moments are what I will remember most.

Do you complain or say nothing?

2010-11-18T17:56:00Z

You’re going to a great restaurant, eagerly anticipating a fabulous meal with your favorite foods ,great atmosphere and attentive service. Instead, the food lacks an irresistible flavor, the room is cold, and the service is slow. The whole evening is a big disappointment. So what did you do?

Complain

Try to kindly make a suggestion

Say nothing and decide to order something different next time

Say nothing and decide to never come back

But what if it was a special occasion, a once-in-a-lifetime occasion? A sweet 16 party, a retirement party, or a wedding reception. Does that change your reaction?

Important life events should be memorable and this only happens when the components meet your expectations. The same thing applies with a (you knew this was coming) funeral. If something isn’t quite the way you expect, should you say something or just let it go, and maybe even decide to never use that funeral home again. Too many restaurant and other business owners lose customers and even face the threat of closing and wonder why. So do we owe it to them to tell them why we’re not patronizing them anymore? I think we do and granted some don’t want to hear what they’re doing wrong or what they could do better, but if they don’t change anything or eventually face closing, they’ll know why.

I still think this applies to funeral homes. If you don’t like something, such as how the obituary’s worded, how the visitation room feels, how the flowers are arranged or maybe most importantly, how the deceased looks, you need to say something. No one will change what they’re doing if they don’t know that others don’t like it.

A funeral is too important of an event to not have things they way you expect them to be or want them to be. Like the aforementioned wedding reception, you don’t have a chance to do it over because it wasn’t the way you wanted it. So speak up. It’s worth it to make the funeral (or dinner) memorable in a wonderful way.

Memorial Day

2010-05-31T16:09:00Z

This morning I was privileged to speak with William Zwicharowski, Acting Director at the Charles C. Center for Mortuary Affairs at Dover Air Force Base. When asked what Memorial Day means to him, he said, “Working here seeing everything first hand makes you appreciate what our veterans do for us. So, more than people at other bases, we remember on a daily basis.” Mentioned on the Veterans page of this site is my recommendation for the movie “Taking Chance.” Mr. Zwicharowski was one of the consultants on that movie as much of it takes place at his mortuary center at Dover Air Force Base.

Because I’m a licensed funeral director/embalmer in a few states that require continuing education, I attend a lot of funeral profession seminars, workshops, and conventions. Whenever there’s a military man or woman leading a seminar, I always try to arrange my schedule to attend. Without fail, it’s an interesting presentation, filled with facts, stories, and one more thing – respect. It’s touching to see these men and women speak with profound reverence about what they do, whether it’s performing honors at a graveside or working at the military facility that receives and prepares the bodies of those killed in action. It comes from their heart with such respect that often they, and those of us listening, are moved to tears with such honest emotion. One part of a veteran’s funeral that’s always memorable is seeing military honors take place at the graveside or chapel. The military honor guard is at least two soldiers and sometimes as many as six or seven, present in their perfectly pressed uniforms. They sometimes serve as pallbearers but at least two always stand at attention at each end of the casket as the minister reads and prays at this final service. When that is finished, they lift the flag from the casket and hold it suspended above the casket while Taps is played in the distance. They then fold the flag into its compact triangular shape with only the blue background and white stars showing. After the folding soldier makes the last one, the soldier who held the other end during this process, takes possession of it. The folding soldier slowly salutes it and quietly walks away. The other soldier now quietly walks to the person who will be entrusted with this valuable symbol. (usually the next-of-kin) The words are poignant, something like, “On a behalf of a grateful nation, this flag is presented for your husband’s (father’s, etc.) selfless dedication and committed service to our country.” What is just as powerful and always brings yet another tear to my eye, is that the soldier kneels to do this!

I have also stood in the background of a grave side, after the minister’s done speaking and the military honors have been performed and the people are starting to walk to their cars. Hardly a funeral goes by that at least one or two of the older guys will walk over to one of the younger guys in uniform who just performed the honors and thank them or talk to them. You know they’re veterans – WWII, Korea, Viet Nam … and if that isn’t emotional enough for those of us who happen to catch this moment, it gets more so when you hear the young guys ask them about their service experience and thank them – yes, thank them for service that they gave long before these new soldiers were even born!

Today, we all say “thank you.” But let’s do it more often. When you see an older gentleman wearing a cap with the name of a military ship or other related symbol, take a minute to thank him. It’s not uncommon now to see younger people in fatigues, t-shirts, or other clothing indicating this important service to our country. Say thank you. There are even bumper stickers that indicate, “Mother of an Army son” or something similar. Thank them; they’re making sacrifices too.

As someone has so aptly worded it, America is “the land of the free because of the brave.”

Copyright 2011 Funeral411

Welcome

2010-05-22T02:35:20Z

Welcome to this site. First, please accept our apology if this message comes to you at a difficult time. Please know that it is simply being sent to many email lists to get the word out about this helpful website and its reason for being.

When people find out we’re funeral director/embalmers, they do one of two things – tell a story or ask a question. This is great. We love answering questions and clarifying people’s perceptions and we also love hearing their stories. It’s hard though to hear about an unpleasant experience and know that it didn’t have to be that way. That’s the main reason this website, Funeral 411, exists – to give people the “411” on whatever they want (and need) to know when (and before) someone they love dies. It won't be all serious though; we'll inject some lighthearted things from time to time and where appropriate.

We learn a lot from hearing people’s experiences and hope that through this blog or through email, you’ll share your own stories with us. We look forward to it!